Blame and Selfishness. Dynamic Duo.

Too often I find myself putting the blame on my husband. Car not working? My husband must not have checked it. Late for work/school? My husband should’ve woken me up. I’m not happy? My husband must not be thinking about what makes me smile.

I have somehow in my flesh convinced myself that as long as he is at fault, and not I, he will fix the problems and I can continue to live my life as if the problem doesn’t exist. How selfish I can be at some times. If you’ve ever read “The Love Dare”, it states that the complete opposite of Love is Selfishness. Love is all about giving to help others and taking burdens and faults away to better and uplift one another. If your heart is filled with selfishness (a desire to only satisfy your needs and wants), how can you love (a desire to satisfy the needs of others)?

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one
another as more important than yourselves.” – Philippians 2:3

Something that I’ve often heard/read, is that anger is mostly a reaction caused from our selfishness. It happens when we have a strong desire for something, but become disappointed by it. We start to become really upset about not having what we want, and we blow up about it. We are the ones in our marriage who have caused all the anger and frustrations (due to selfishness), but we insist on blaming our spouses. “He should’ve done this for me.”; “She doesn’t give me the respect I deserve.”; “He only thinks about himself.” Out of our own selfishness, we’ve placed ourselves so high on our own pedestals that there’s no other direction to look but down on others. We need to remove ourselves from the top and place God back where He belongs. We need to take the blame back from our spouses and tell our selfishness to take a hike. We need to take responsibility for the problems our selfish desires have caused and ask God for the help needed to fix it. I was once asked, “Can your spouse say that you have wronged or wounded them in any way and never made it right?” I’m pretty sure that the answer is yes. God doesn’t want our marriage to have unresolved problems that build up tension only to destroy the home that He has given us.

“Love ‘does not seek its own’ (1 Corinthians 13:5). Loving couples—the ones who are
enjoying the full purpose of marriage—are bent on taking good care of the other flawed
human they get to share life with.” – The Love Dare

The other day, my husband and I got into a really heated argument, and unintentionally, I made him cry. It was Valentine’s day; I decided that I wanted this year to be the best Valentine’s Day that my husband ever had. I bought a bulk of his favorite candy, got him a new electric razor, and a brand new guitar (one that he had been BEGGING for). He was so thrilled that I couldn’t get him to calm down. I was so happy that I made this an amazing day for him. He gave me a small chocolate melting pot, which I liked, it wasn’t what I wanted (as I told him during the fight), but I still liked it none the less. Throughout the day, we didn’t really get to see each other (we’re both taking college courses), but there was an opportune time for us to eat lunch together. I asked him to eat with me, but he declined stating that he wanted to finish some school work. Upset, I asked him could he really not spare just 5 minutes to eat a sandwich with me on Valentine’s day? He stated that he’d really like to finish his work, and I ate alone. After school at dinner, I asked him to eat with me again, but he said he’d really like to finish his homework. I ate alone, again. I sat there disappointed. While this was his best Valentine’s Day, this was my worst; I had never felt so alone on this holiday before, even when I was single!

A short time later, he sat down next to me to take a break from school work and started to play on his computer. Now I was just ticked off, he had time for his stupid computer, but not 5 minutes to eat a sandwich with me? But I decided not to say anything, and just to continue with my Facebook-ing. Within 5 minutes, he said something and I made a smart little comment about it (I don’t even remember what we said, that’s how ridiculous it was). Before I knew it, he was angry and we were fighting. He started to cry at the end, and left the room. He and I both went to bed without saying a word to one another (which God says not to.Ephesians 4:26) The next night, he asked me to talk, and we talked. He asked me why did I just attack him last night. I explained everything to him (no anger or fighting this time), and he started to cry again. Now he felt bad because he felt like after all that I’d done for him on that day, he was the one who had attacked me.

The blame wasn’t on him though. Although I didn’t expect something as wonderful as what I had gotten for him, I really wanted it. When I didn’t get something that I actually wanted for Valentine’s day, or even some time with my husband, I became very upset and irritated. I let my selfishness take root in my heart and took it out on my husband when an opportunity showed itself (trust me, an opportunity will ALWAYS show itself, so be careful!). Love is determined to be thoughtful to one another, even when there seems to be nothing in it for you. We need to remember that a person can only take so much burden before they break. God gave us marriage partners to share the burden, not to place it all on one person so we can make ourselves feel better. Continue to love and uplift one another, take back the blame, and do everything that you can to let God help us control the desires of our flesh.

“God uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness,
establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy.
But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own
issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner.”
-The Love Dare

*References and Quotes were not of my own.
-The Love Dare
-NIV Bible

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4 thoughts on “Blame and Selfishness. Dynamic Duo.

  1. Very well written. I run into that a lot too, blaming my significant other for things that are beyond his control. Often I have to step back and remind myself how miserable I’d be without him, and that puts things into perspective. Thanks for your honesty; it helps us all. 🙂

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